On Tuesday morning, I finally came to the realization that I can’t do this any more. I try and try, but I can’t stick to a marathon training plan. It’s just not in the cards. Someday, I’ll get my chance again. Right now, though, it’s just not in the cards.
Real quick, just in case you’ve never been here before, I’m a father of three and a marathon runner. My middle child, 7-year-old Jack, is severely autistic. I wanted to do something to make lemonade out of the lemons he’s got, so in 2010, I ran 61 full marathons to raise money for Train 4 Autism.
This year, I started by putting my focus on training properly for the Boston Marathon. For once, I wanted to have a “me” race. I did that, I ran well and I had a blast. But in the middle of that training cycle, I committed to run the San Francisco Marathon on July 31 to raise money for two cancer charities in honor of a friend of mine who died in January.
I was totally fired up to train like mad for San Francisco. I was absolutely determined to go out there and kill it. If you read that link, you’ll see that the faster I run, the more money gets raised for charity. I was absolutely driven.
But then a couple of funny things happened after Boston. First, my body didn’t respond to my new training cycle. I didn’t see the improvement I’d expected, plus I struggled way too frequently on my training runs. Even more than that, though, life got in the way.
Jack really struggled for a few months. Mainly, he had severe stomach problems. He couldn’t communicate what his problem was and as a result, he’d start hitting himself in the head, throwing things, breaking things … it was miserable for all of us, my other two kids included. My wife Tiffany had to basically shadow him. It really broke us down.
My normal running time is early in the morning, but Tiff would be up in the middle of the night with him and he’d still be up when I got up. I’d skip runs to stay back with him. I tried to adjust my schedule and make up miles and it just wasn’t working. I wasn’t hitting my runs, I wasn’t fast enough and I was losing confidence. I was really wanting to drop out of San Francisco.
But I committed to run that race, they’ve been great to me and Train 4 Autism, and I knew I had to stick with it. Mentally, I started preparing myself for the reality that I probably won’t run as well as I hope. I’m pretty competitive, and that’s a tough reality for me to accept.
On the weekend of June 4 and 5, I didn’t get a long run in. It just wasn’t in the cards. I was frustrated, but staying back and helping out was more important than training. No question. The following weekend, I paced the 3:40 group at the Utah Valley Marathon, which is too slow of a workout for me. On June 18, I headed out for a critical long run — a minimum of 17 with 12 at goal marathon pace. I pulled this run off twice during my Boston cycle, the second time with relative ease. This time, I had to abort just five miles in because I couldn’t hack it. I ended up with 12 and just 5 at marathon pace.
Three weekends, zero quality long runs. I was frustrated and upset. This past week, on the advice of a friend of mine who knows a lot more about running than me, I went high mileage (100) with nothing faster than 8:00/mile, which isn’t a taxing pace for me. The goal was to get back into my comfort zone and get my mojo back. Everything went fairly OK, until my long run for the week ended up being a disaster. The sun came out and sapped me. I fell apart and lost any confidence I might have had. So, four weeks, zero good long runs.
The final straw for me came Tuesday morning. I got up to run 15 miles and wanted to push a little bit. Tiff had been up with Jack for a couple of hours by the time I got up, though, and he wasn’t falling back asleep. I told her to go back to bed, that I didn’t mind staying back with him. He didn’t fall asleep for another two hours. I didn’t run Tuesday morning despite getting up by 4:15.
As I was laying there in bed with him, I realized I can’t wait to get past San Francisco. It’s going to be a struggle for me. I have no clue what to expect out of myself. I know I have some ability buried beneath some rust, but it’s not going to be what I wanted it to be. I wanted to set the world on fire with a big PR and raise a ton of money. But that’s not going to happen.
As much as I love to run, I know now that I can’t lock in to a marathon schedule any time in the near future. I’m going to have to reduce my running to fitness running when it works and be mentally prepared to have cancel any and every run. Jack is really struggling lately, although he’s been getting better over the past week or so for the most part. If he was like this at all last year, I would have quit what I was doing. Taking care of my wife and kids trumps everything. Last year, we had a routine that worked. That routine wouldn’t work this year.
When I commit myself to a training plan, I really commit myself. My time to train is at 4 a.m., and that’s my choosing and it’s worth it to me. But that time doesn’t work any more, so I’m not going to put myself in a position where I actually have to think about choosing or maybe get upset about missing a run.
Part of me thinks this is going to be tough, because I love to push myself with goal races. But I think it’s going to be easy, to just let go and keep my focus in the right place.
For now, I have one more month to get through. I still need to do what I can to show up as ready as I can be on July 31. Come August 1, though, I’ll be happy to enter my next indefinite phase as a runner.
John A. Atilano II says
Sam, you’ve really got your priorities straight. This is absolutely the right decision. Your marathons are all about fighting autism in the broad long-range sense. However, you and Tiff are in a knife-fight dealing with Jack’s autism. You have to take down the close targets before you focus on the long-range targets.
You will still make a lot of money for Train 4 Autism. Don’t get too wrapped around the axle about PR’ing at SF. Do the best you can do with the training you can afford to get in. That is all anyone cand and should expect.
You are an inspiration and a great family-man. We are all behind you! We don’t care how fast you run or how far you run or if you run at all.
Given the circumstances, my donation would still stand even if you decided to start dead last and “only” run a half-marathon. Something to consider and it may be a good compromise.
Nicki says
You are an amazing husband, father and man. If you choose to not race, that does not change who you are. As much as runners tend to view themselves as runners first – and sometimes soley as such, you have the right priorities. Tiffany and your children come before running, raising money or awareness.
Matt says
I have four young kids, including an infant,myself and I’m training for half-ironmans. Of course I can’t compare to living with an autistic child, but I almost never meet scheduled training times every day. I’ve learned that plans change and its important to be flexible. I think you’ll be fine. Good luck!
Kim says
Sam,
I know this had to be a tough decision for you, but you made the right one – family comes first. You are an amazing father & runner. Your time will come – be there for your wife & kids.
Sending you lots of ((HUGS)) and prayers.
Kim
Layla says
You and I are completely different, but I’m doing so much better without a set training plan. I don’t have nearly the challenges you face — the only setback I have is being very injury-prone. But by not dwelling as much on certain plans, when I do have to cut back, it doesn’t make me go so crazy. I PR’ed a half in March on this “non-training” plan, had another stellar four weeks, then suddenly had my Achilles go out. I had to take several weeks off of running, but then I turned around and PR’ed a marathon, though my “training” did NOT predict that.
Run with your heart, and make each run count. Run to relax and to get persepective. Run to rejuvenate your spirit so that you can continue to be the amazing husband and father that you are. Running will be there no matter when you have to fit it in or how much time you can devote to it.
Tiffany says
Hey babe,
I just read this. I really liked what Layla said- running will always be there. Just think about how far you’ve come since your first half. That’s amazing!!! Don’t be so hard on yourself. I love you and although I gripe about your running from time to time, at the end of the day, I still will ALWAYS support your running because I know how happy it makes you. Love you.