I just took a three-week break from blogging before resuming last week, and I think I’m going to take a break again after today. I’m at a crossroads right now and this isn’t anything I can devote my time to right now.
I’m struggling across the board, from the start of the day to the end of the day, and I need some “quiet time” to assess everything. As a lot of you know, I’ve been working on a side project that’s been running me into the ground.
I guess it’s my own fault for taking it on last year, but it is what it is. I’ve worked pretty hard on it for close to a year. I really cranked it up over the past few months to try to meet my Sept. 1 deadline. And I just couldn’t do it. I tried, and I neglected my family and let them down by abandoning them for a year, and I let down the company I was doing the project for by failing to get it done.
I also let down myself, because I’ve started to lose some of the fitness I’ve worked so hard to build over the past several years. I’ve been working and working and not exercising enough and definitely not sleeping enough. My weight has gone from 203 at Boston this year to 208 this morning, and it’s not because of the ice cream. I always have a snack in the evening. It’s just been a moderate amount of low-fat/low-calorie ice cream or frozen yogurt for the past 76 days.
Anyways, I finally had my breakdown on Sunday night and made the decision to wave the white flag on the project. I just can’t do it. But it looks like I have to. I wanted to buy my way out of it, but I couldn’t line up the help, so I put the white flag back in my coat closet. It’s not right to the company for this to not get done.
I guess this isn’t the biggest deal in the world, but I have pretty good hindsight and I wouldn’t have taken the job. Just. Not. Worth. It. Heck, I’d had the job twice before and couldn’t do it and quit it twice. I’ve worked for this company on the side for about six years and I really like them. I really wanted to get it done for them and they called me back again and gave me more time.
Yesterday, I started thinking about it as a parallel to Operation Jack. Like Operation Jack, I started the project with high hopes, then spent a year neglecting my family (especially on the weekends) and it was all for nothing. I have my concerns about Operation Jack and I’m wondering if it’s going to be the same way. I’m going to go through with it, but it’s unnerving. I’m concerned that for a second year in a row, I’m going to go through something big, neglect my family for a year, run myself into the ground and have it all be for nothing. It’s not something I’m asking for feedback on. It’s just something I’m thinking about internally and I’m praying for some guidance. I have my ups and downs (I guess this qualifies as the downs) and swings like this prove I’m human.
So, why am I writing this? Well, I’m not sure what the purpose of my blog is. I know that whatever it is that I write, y’all like, because more of you keep coming here. I’m thinking that the best purpose for it is to let you run 60 marathons vicariously through me and to see see things through my eyes (kind of scary!). For now, I guess, I’m somewhat out of breath and I think I’m going to be quiet for a little bit as I figure it all out. Thanks for coming by to read this … see you soon!