Today is Jack’s 6th birthday. It’s kind of depressing to me, because my sixth birthday is my earliest birthday that I can remember, so I can remember being his age. When I turned 6, I had a big party at Shakey’s Pizza for my entire first-grade class. On the flip side, last Friday — five days before his 6th birthday, Jack called me “Miss Anne” when I dropped him off at school. Even though he can’t read and probably won’t be able to by his next birthday, I decided that for my blog I’d write a letter to him as if he could understand it. Maybe I’ll save it and show it to him years down the road.
For those of you who have never been here, Jack is my son and he is severely autistic. I’m a marathon runner and in 2010, I’m going to try to run 60 marathons to raise money and awareness for a charity called Train 4 Autism. I’m hopeful that we can make a big difference in his honor.
Dear Jack,
I can’t believe you’re already 6 years old. You’re struggling right now with your autism, but you’ve had a great summer and I’m encouraged by your progress. For years, I’ve dreamed of being able to talk to you, and I still think that dream is going to come true. You’re really coming along and I’m excited about it. I’ve held out hope for a long time that you’ll have a breakthrough and someday live a life that’s close to typical. Part of me thinks that’s still possible, because you’re still only 6. But part of me does the math and knows you’re already 1/3 of the way to 18.
If you think I get frustrated taking care of you, you’re right. You’re very challenging. I wish you weren’t the way you are. A small part of that is because it makes things difficult for me, Mommy, Benjamin and Ava. But the biggest part of that is that it’s no fair for you to go through the challenges you face on a daily basis. You’re only a little kid. It breaks my heart. You didn’t ask for this.
I look at you and I get happy and sad at the same time. Like I said, it kills me that you suffer the way you do. You’re such a cute, sweet little kid. But I’m so glad God gave you to us. I couldn’t imagine you not in our life. Mommy and I talk all the time about how your autism makes things challenging for us. We look back at our wedding pictures and get sad, because we had no idea what we had coming. A year ago, we went to an engagement party for our friends Brian and Kelly, and Mommy cried when she saw them dancing, because she thought, “Who knows what the future holds for them? Will they have healthy children? Will they struggle like we do?”
But you know what? Mommy and I look at life as a roller coaster. We had no idea what the ride would be like, but we’re grateful that we get to ride it together and bring you along. This is the track we’re on, and only God has control. If this is what He wants for us, we’ll graciously accept it. We all pray every day for you to get better. I don’t know if you notice, but at family dinner, it doesn’t matter who leads the prayer — me, Mommy, Benjamin or Ava. The first thing we ask for is for you to get better. And we all still have faith that you will.
I look forward to the day that I can have a conversation with you. And the day I can take you to In-N-Out for a burger without putting you in a high chair. And the day we can go on a walk (or jog!) around the block. And the day we can play a game the right way. And the day we can watch something age-appropriate on television. I don’t care if anybody tells me to accept you the way you are right now — I still look forward to the day when things are better.
In the meantime, just know that I will always take care of you. Parents always take care of their children as much as necessary, but you can rest assured I will always have your back. There is nothing Mommy and I won’t do, and the rest of your family — your grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. — feels the same way.
We’re going to have a party for you on Sunday. You won’t really know it’s a party for you — it will seem like just another play day at a new park. You won’t be able to eat the cake, because there’s dairy in the frosting. And you won’t be able to eat the pizza, because there’s dairy in the cheese. But everybody will be there because they love you. And just because you don’t know any different doesn’t mean we’re going to treat you like a second-class citizen. You deserve the best, and that’s what we’ll try to give you.
Jack, I really just want you to know how proud I am of you. You work so incredibly hard and you’re a sweet kid with a huge heart. Even though you don’t know today is your birthday, I hope you have a great day. I hope school goes well, I hope you enjoy your break from therapy, I hope you don’t have any meltdowns and I hope that whatever thoughts are going on inside your head are positive. Enjoy your day and have a great 7th year!
Love always,
Daddy
Ally Phillips says
I love your letter to your son. It’s beautiful. My husband and I don’t have children yet, but 3 of our very close friends have autistic children and it is so hard–they are challengine–I taught Sunday school for 3.5 years to an autistic boy who could physically dominate me–hit me, try to strangle me, etc., but, when he would hug me and call me ‘Miss Ally’ all those moments of pain and fear would go away. I’m so grateful for the healthy kids I know, but also for those who aren’t, because they are gifts–they teach us all so much. And we love them.
I’m honored to be participating in Operation Jack 🙂
Ben Delaney says
That was beyond awesome Fels. Hope to see you on Sunday. Or sometime this week for lunch.
Deirdre Edwards says
Happy birthday Jack, you are blessed with a wonderful family and they are blessed to have you. Have a great day kid!
Jen Morgan says
What a beautiful letter to Jack. I have faith in time that some day he will read it and that someday he’ll realize what an amazing thing you are doing for him! Keep it up Sam!
Tiffany Felsenfeld says
Wow, I’m glad I read this BEFORE I put my makeup on. Today, I’m going to make sure I take him to the ice cream parlor to have his favorite, and empty waffle cone. I know it sounds a bit sad when you see the word, empty, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. Jack is truly a blessing in everyone’s life who knows him. He’s the one thing that keeps me going through challenging times in my life. He’s a fighter. He’s my angel.
Erin Ruff says
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your letter to Jack with us. What a special little man and an amazing family.
Jamie Moore says
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!!!
Sam.. Thanks for sharing this! Next time there should be a tissue warning! Beautiful letter though!
Melissa G says
I am so sad reading that letter, not because I feel bad for you, but because I think the tone is unfair to Jack. I loved the last paragraph, but the rest could definitely do without every can’t, won’t and mention of how terrible things are. I know Jack is worse off than Callum is. I also have a friend whose daughter is Jack’s age and will never get past the maturity of a 3 month old. So please, for Jack’s sake, be grateful for every tiny step he has made in the “right” direction and praise him instead of pitying him. There are amazing things going on in his little head and if he ever opens the door to let someone in, you don’t want this to be what he remembers.
adair renning says
Happy Birthday, Jack!!
Debbie Brotemarkle says
Happy Birthday Jack!!! You have the best parents with the biggest hearts.
Sam that was awesome. I am blessed to know such wonderful people!!!
RuthE Levy says
Dear Jack,
Even if you can’t speak to us, I know that you hear the words we say and know we love you very much. You are such a beautiful child. I love your smile and your laughter. You are the light of my life, and some day, I know you will be able to say, “I love you, too, Baba.” I look forward to that every day.
Love you every day. Love you always. Happy birthday, Jack.
Love from Baba Wuff
RuthE Levy says
Now all you readers, won’t you join me in making a donation to Operation Jack in honor of Jack’s 6th birthday? A unit of 6 would be nice…like $36. Sam is going to run the miles. We need to put up the bucks.
RuthE Levy
Rich Scott says
Definietly agree with the tissue warning. Great letter! And most importantly Happy Birthday to Jack!!
I am so honored to be participating in Operation Jack. Although Jack struggles daily, he also inspires us all to come together to help find a cure for Autism. Jack sounds pretty amazing!
Rich Scott says
Definitely agree with the tissue warning. Great letter, and most importantly HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!!
I am so honored to be participating in Operation Jack. I know that one day you will have a real conversation with Jack. I know that you will go for a walk with him. Jack has inspired us all to come together to help find a cure for Autism. Jack is one amazing little guy!