Last year at this time, I was getting ready to get the Blues — the Mississippi Blues Marathon. It was marathon No. 2 of 61 for the year, January 9 in Jackson. I’m getting the blues again, although this time I’m staying in California.
Just in case you’ve never been here before, I’m a father of three and a marathon runner. My middle child, 7-year-old Jack, is severely autistic. I ran 61 marathons last year to raise money and awareness for a charity I’m a part of called Train 4 Autism. It was a successful mission, ending on December 26 with the Operation Jack Marathon.
I suspected all along I’d get depressed when it all ended. I was so used to my routine of traveling, checking into dirtbag motels, running marathons, racing to the airport, writing my blogs, trying to raise money, etc. I figured I’d miss it. As exhausting and demanding as it was, and as difficult as it was to leave home so much, it was still fun to get out there and meet people and see things.
Eleven days removed from my last race, I don’t miss it at all. I have enough memories to last a lifetime and enough was enough. It’s nice not to travel and it’s nice to not have to get up and run a marathon because I “have to.” I’ve been getting back into training, running my 15-milers in the morning before work and eating more. I don’t miss what I was doing last year at all.
I come home from work, I don’t have a blog to write, I put my phone and my laptop down and I hang out with my family. It’s easier to spend time with the kids and I hang out with my wife at night, actually paying attention to the show we’re watching instead of just being there physically while I write a blog and make travel reservations and answer emails.
Yes, this new routine is nice. Really, really nice. I’m getting to be the me that I used to be.
So why am I depressed? Why am I getting the blues in California? I feel like I have nothing to do, as odd as that sounds. For 18 months, I pushed and pushed to get things done. I pushed to raise money and awareness for Train 4 Autism. I was banging my head against the wall and struggling for 18 months. I love a challenge and I never quit trying last year. Even after my last race, I still went after donations.
But now what? I feel like I have nothing to do, even though I’m doing a lot more in my personal life. Everybody who was talking to me is still talking to me, so it’s not like I’m getting ignored, but for some reason, I just feel like the world has tossed me
aside. It’s kind of tough to feel alone with nothing to do, but that’s where I’m at.
We go to Saddleback Church, which is Rick Warren’s church, and the message is very purpose-driven. I found a purpose last year and I loved it. I have a wife and three kids and I love them dearly. I love playing with my kids, spending time with my wife — you know, being a typical dad and husband. But for whatever weird reason, I just don’t feel much of a purpose right now. I don’t know if it’s wrong to think that taking care of my family and raising my kids isn’t enough for me to do, but that’s where I’m at.
This morning, I got up for my run and just wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to go out for 15 miles, but I didn’t have the heart to. A lot of people use running as a release, but I can’t do it without a clear mind. I was going to go back to bed, but then I figured I’d be mad at myself for eating too much yesterday and not using it today. So I went out for a run and got about 1/10 of a mile before turning back. I just didn’t have it in me, although it has nothing to do with running.
Why am I writing this? Heck, I don’t know. I have mixed emotions about whether I should really be posting any more. But I guess until I get zero page views, it’s not totally a waste of time. And maybe some of you who have been following along still want to follow along as I come down from my cloud?
Anyways, that’s all, I guess. Have a great weekend, everybody. Sorry to be such a downer!
Jose G says
Hey its ok to feel the way you do Sam.
I used to be in a band and have many friends still in bands and what you are exeriencing is the “post tour blues”.
Post marathon blues, post holiday blues, post OJ blues etc.
It takes a lot to do what you did!
Maybe you needed an emotional/ activity “taper” away from everything? I dunno, but I would feel the same way. If this entry helps you at least vent, cool. Sending you prayers for solace and perspective!
Adair Renning says
I think it’s something like adrenaline crash. I used to feel the same way after autism fund-raising dinners and seminars we would put on. We’d put months of time and energy into organizing it……….and then it was over. Even if it was a smashing success, I always felt let down after it was done. Then it was just time to organize something else to fill in the gap…..I’m just sayin’
Michael Busch says
We’re still out here so keep up the blogging. After you rest there are still ways you can raise awareness. As you have said, just because OJ is done, doesn’t mean the work towards raising awareness is done.
Jamie Lima says
Hey man,
Just know you are not alone with the way you are feeling. I won’t go into any details here as this is your forum, not mine. Plus, every party needs a pooper so it might as well be you today. Ha!
Anyway, what you did in 2010 is something few can do. Take some time to relish in that moment and absorb that fact. Yes, you are just a ‘normal guy’ as you always say, but what you were able to accomplish was abnormal.
And, though you wonder what people want to hear through your blog, I think this is it. More posts like this – coming directly from the heart – just might bring about a new passion or role for you.
I have no other words of wisdom and Lord knows I never take my own advice anyway but thought I would let you know what it looks like from the outside looking in. Sometimes perspective changes everything.
Now, go finish that last 14.9 miles now that you don’t HAVE TO but GET TO!
Amanda B. says
Hey Sam, if its anything consolation, I think we all go through this at some point. Kudos to you for actually voicing it. In this next coming year or so, is there something new you can strive for? Something that excites you?
Dont take these thoughts or feelings that youre having too seriously. You’ll come out of it. And we’ll all be here when ya do!
Until then- enjoy your beautiful family 🙂
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