Now that it’s two days after Father’s Day, it’s getting kind of late to post a Father’s Day blog. But it’s only kind of late and it’s my blog, so I guess I’ll write it anyways.
For the first few years I was a parent, I used to get really upset on Father’s Day. I didn’t feel like I deserved any recognition because I didn’t feel like I was a good enough dad. It was always bittersweet opening cards and gifts because I felt like while the things my wife did came from the heart, I was still an undeserving recipient.
It wasn’t anything specific — it wasn’t like I did bad things as a dad. I just felt like I didn’t do a good enough job. Part of that might have been that I felt like I had to live up to the standard my dad set, because he was an incredible dad. I don’t know. I think part of that also might have been because Tiff is such an incredible mom. I looked at how she was with the kids and I’m just not as good of a parent as her. Her every last second is committed to them and while my world revolves around my family, there was a lot of “me” stuff in there too, and that made me feel pretty lousy as a dad. Father’s Day always brought me down. When folks at work would ask me how my Father’s Day went when I went into the office the day after, I’d just say “fine” and keep rolling, hoping I could find it within myself to be a better dad who earned the holiday the following year.
Well now, 11 years into this, I’ve changed my thinking. I don’t feel like I’m a terrible dad. I actually feel like I’m a pretty decent dad. I have my weaknesses, as does every human being on this planet, but I feel like my heart is in it a lot more and I try my best. I can’t be perfect, so I can’t expect perfection, but I’m happier with where I am as a parent now. I always tell my wife that the most important thing we’re going to do in this world is raise our three kids. That’s going to determine the kind of impact they have on the world, plus how they will raise their children (and hopefully the values that will continue to get passed down the generations).
I love my kids to death, as should every parent, and I have plenty of room for improvement as a father. But I don’t feel like I’m a bad dad, the way I used to back in the day. Finally, I feel deserving of a Father’s Day. And I have to say, it was the best Father’s Day I’ve ever had.
One thing that I think might have actually made it better is that we’re away from our family now out here in Colorado. In the past, my wife would spend time with her dad, then I’d go spend time with my dad, then we’d go to a family function with my grandpa. We’d spend all day running around, the hands on the clock would turn faster than we would realize and we’d be wiped out from a chaotic day before we knew it.
This year, though, Tiff called her dad up in the morning. I couldn’t talk to my dad, because he’s on a cruise in Europe somewhere. However, I sent out a card and some books to my stepmom before they left and wrote some nice things in the card for him, so I spent all day thinking about him, knowing he was having a well-deserved good time and that he hopefully enjoyed the card and the books. I called my grandpa and told him we’d be out to visit in four weeks and that made is day. Talking to him made my day. And through all of that, me, Tiff and the kids had an entire day, less 45 minutes, to spend together.
We started with a lazy breakfast. The best way to start a day. The highlight of my day was a card that my oldest son, Benjamin, got me. A bit of a quick backstory before I mention the card …
I feel like I have a great relationship with my daughter Ava. She’s a daddy’s girl and I’ve managed it right from the beginning. When I think about the kids individually, I’m really, really grateful for the relationship I have with her right now. Jack, my 8-1/2-year-old, is severely autistic and doesn’t talk. He knows who I am, but with me and him, it’s more of a one-way street. I do everything I can for him, and I always have and I always will, but I get as much back from him as I did from my other kids when they were maybe 3 to 6 months old. It’s tough, but he’s my kid and I’ll always keep fighting and working to help him.
Benjamin is my oldest. He’s a really good kid, but he has the same quick temper as me. We can butt heads pretty badly when he’s being bad, but we do pretty well when he’s well behaved. I’ve always wondered what he thinks of me, and it eats me up to sometimes think that my relationship with him has been somewhat of a wasted opportunity.
OK, back to the cards. Tiff had Ben and Ava read the cards at Target and pick out whichever one they wanted to get. Ben picked one out that said something like, “Dad, thanks for being such a good friend,” on the outside and something like, “Or should I say, friend, thanks for being such a good dad.” Maybe I got that reversed. Whatever the case, he thanked me on the inside for taking him to baseball games and by the way he talked to me when I opened it up, I could tell that I’m creating good memories for him. Benjamin picking out that card was the highlight of my day, no question. He likes me! I’m not in this parenthood thing just to make friends with the kids — the primary reason I’m in it is to raise them as well as I can. But to know that the child I’m afraid has sour thoughts about his dad actually digs me? It made my day.
Ava got me a card and Tiff got me one and wrote some nice things, but this time, Benjamin won. And he made my day.
After breakfast, we went to church as a family, then had a picnic lunch on a blanket in the back yard. I took Ben to swim lessons, went to Home Depot, ate dinner with Ben and Ava, watched a little baseball and basketball … all-in-all, it was a nice day. I got honest confirmations from my kids that I’m doing the right things with them. There was no chaos in the house, no fighting amongst the kids. It was just a nice, quiet family day. For me, so far, it was the best Father’s Day ever.
What makes somebody a good or bad parent? How was your Father’s Day?
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